Consent. Scenario 19 of 34. Pressure

Not tonight

You and your partner Jordan have been together for a year. Tonight you would like to have sex.

Jordan says: "Not tonight, I'm shattered."

What is the best call?

Ask again a couple of times later in the evening, in case Jordan has changed their mind.

Not the best call

Jordan gave a clear answer. A yes you get by asking until someone gives in is not a free choice. It is tiredness. Asking again and again is pressure, even when every ask is gentle.

Go quiet and stay distant for the rest of the evening, so Jordan knows you are disappointed.

Not the best call

Feeling disappointed is fine. Using it to make Jordan feel guilty is pressure in another form. It teaches Jordan that saying no has a price, which makes the next yes less free.

Say "No problem" and suggest something else, like watching something together.

Good call

You took the no as a complete answer and stayed warm. That is what makes it safe for Jordan to be honest with you, including on the nights the answer is yes.

Say "OK, fine", then ask why Jordan never seems to be in the mood lately.

Could be better

Wanting to talk about how things are between you is fair. The timing is the problem. Straight after a no, it sounds as if the no has to be defended. Raise it another day, when neither of you is tired.

The principle

Being in a relationship is not a standing yes. A no does not need a reason, and consent has to be given freely, not handed over to end the asking.

If this brings something up for you

You can stop at any time. These UK services are free and confidential. In an emergency, call 999.

Rape Crisis England & WalesFree 24/7 support line and online chat for anyone aged 16 or over.
SurvivorsUKFor men, boys and non-binary people who have experienced sexual violence.
GalopFor LGBT+ people who have experienced abuse or violence.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
SamaritansSomeone to talk to, day or night, about anything.