Consent. Scenario 1 of 34. Touch

The hug hello

You are meeting Sam, a friend of a friend, for the second time. You are a hugger, and you go in for a hug.

Sam takes a small step back and holds out a hand instead.

What is the best call?

Laugh, say "Come on, I'm a hugger!" and hug Sam anyway.

Not the best call

Sam has already answered, with a step back and a hand. Meaning well does not change that you would be overriding it. Many people find it hard to say no out loud, so the step back is the no.

Shake Sam's hand, smile and carry on as normal.

Good call

Sam showed you what feels comfortable, and you matched it without making it a big moment. That tells Sam a boundary is safe with you, which is how trust starts.

Stop, apologise several times and ask whether you have upset them.

Could be better

Stopping is right. But a long apology hands Sam a new job: reassuring you. A quick, warm switch to the handshake is kinder than making Sam manage your feelings.

Shake hands, then joke to the group that Sam is "a bit cold".

Not the best call

A joke that punishes a boundary teaches everyone listening that having one costs something. Next time Sam, or someone watching, may put up with a hug they did not want.

The principle

Consent is not only about sex. Body language is an answer too. If you are not sure, ask before you move: "Hug or handshake?"

If this brings something up for you

You can stop at any time. These UK services are free and confidential. In an emergency, call 999.

Rape Crisis England & WalesFree 24/7 support line and online chat for anyone aged 16 or over.
SurvivorsUKFor men, boys and non-binary people who have experienced sexual violence.
GalopFor LGBT+ people who have experienced abuse or violence.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
SamaritansSomeone to talk to, day or night, about anything.