Consent. Scenario 22 of 34. Bars and expectations

You bought the drink

At a bar you get talking to Imogen and offer to buy her a drink. She says yes, and you chat for twenty minutes. You think it is going well.

She finishes her drink, smiles and says: "Thanks for that. I'm going to head back to my friends."

What is the best call?

Say, "I bought you a drink. The least you can do is stay a bit longer."

Not the best call

A drink is a gift, not a deposit. Imogen agreed to a drink and a chat, and she has had both. Telling her she owes you turns a friendly gesture into a bill, and it is the kind of line people warn their friends about.

Say, "Nice talking to you. Have a good night."

Good call

She told you she was leaving and you let her go, warmly. You have lost nothing but the price of a drink. If she wants to carry on talking later, she knows you are easy to walk away from, which helps.

Ask, "Could I get your number before you go?" and accept whatever she says.

Could be better

Asking once is fine, as long as you really are ready for a no. Bear in mind she has just ended the conversation, so she may give a number only to get away. "No worries" has to be your answer either way.

Wait a few minutes, then go over and join her and her friends.

Not the best call

She went back to her friends to end the conversation. Following her there takes that choice away, in front of an audience. From her side it stops looking keen and starts looking like being followed.

The principle

Buying someone a drink, a meal or a taxi buys nothing else. Nobody owes you time, a number or anything more because you were generous.

If this brings something up for you

You can stop at any time. These UK services are free and confidential. In an emergency, call 999.

Rape Crisis England & WalesFree 24/7 support line and online chat for anyone aged 16 or over.
SurvivorsUKFor men, boys and non-binary people who have experienced sexual violence.
GalopFor LGBT+ people who have experienced abuse or violence.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
SamaritansSomeone to talk to, day or night, about anything.