Porn and real life. Scenario 14 of 15. A shared decision

Watching together

Your partner Tom suggests watching porn together. You are open to the idea, but you find most of what you have seen off-putting: it seems made for men, and the women in it rarely look as if they are enjoying themselves.

Tom has already picked something and is about to press play.

What is the best call for you?

Go along with whatever he has chosen, so you do not spoil the mood.

Not the best call

You would be watching something you expect to dislike, and Tom would think you were enjoying it. That teaches him the wrong thing about what you like, and it is not really a joint decision.

Say what puts you off, and suggest you choose something together that suits you both.

Good call

Now it is a shared decision. Not all porn is made the same way. Some is directed by women and built around both people's enjoyment, and Bellesa is one company known for that. Looking together also tells you a lot about what each of you likes.

Say, "No, I hate that stuff," and leave it there.

Could be better

You are entitled to say no, and you never have to watch anything you do not want to. But you said you were open to the idea. Telling Tom what puts you off gives him the chance to find something better.

Watch it, then tell him afterwards that you did not like it.

Could be better

Being honest afterwards is better than saying nothing. But you sat through something you did not enjoy, and Tom may feel wrong-footed. The same thirty-second conversation works better before he presses play.

The principle

Watching together is something you both agree to, including what you watch. What suits one of you may not suit the other, so choose together, and either of you can say stop.

Where to get help and advice

These UK services are free to use. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

ChildlineFor anyone under 19, about anything, including things they have seen online.
NSPCCAdvice for parents and carers on talking to children about porn and online safety.
Internet MattersStep-by-step guides to parental controls on phones, consoles and broadband.
BrookHonest information about sex and relationships for young people.
Internet Watch FoundationReport sexual images or videos of anyone under 18. You can do it anonymously.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
RelateRelationship and sex therapy, including when porn is causing problems.
Stop It NowConfidential, anonymous help if you are worried about what you are looking at online.