Porn and real life. Scenario 15 of 15. When it replaces closeness

Second best

You and your partner Sam have been together for four years. Over the last few months Sam has been less and less interested in sex with you, and often stays up alone after you have gone to bed. You know Sam watches porn then.

You feel pushed aside, and you have started to wonder what is wrong with you.

What is the best call for you?

Decide it must be your fault, and try harder to look and act like what Sam watches.

Not the best call

This is not about how you measure up. Nobody can compete with endless novelty on a screen, and you should not have to try. Changing yourself leaves the real issue, the distance between you, untouched.

Tell Sam how it feels, without blaming. "I miss being close to you, and I feel pushed aside." Ask what is going on for them.

Good call

Starting with how you feel is hard to argue with and easy to hear. There may be stress, low mood or a habit Sam is not proud of behind it. If it is hard to talk about alone, a relationship counsellor, such as Relate, can help.

Say nothing, and wait for it to pass.

Could be better

Giving it time is understandable, and some phases do pass. But it has been months, and it is already changing how you see yourself. The longer it goes unsaid, the harder the conversation gets.

Confront Sam at one in the morning, mid-video.

Not the best call

You have every right to raise it. But ambushing someone when they are embarrassed and you are upset gets defensiveness, not honesty. Pick a calm moment, in daylight, when you can both think.

The principle

When porn starts to take the place of closeness with a partner, it has become a relationship issue. It is not a sign that you are not enough. Say how it feels, and get help together if you need it.

Where to get help and advice

These UK services are free to use. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

ChildlineFor anyone under 19, about anything, including things they have seen online.
NSPCCAdvice for parents and carers on talking to children about porn and online safety.
Internet MattersStep-by-step guides to parental controls on phones, consoles and broadband.
BrookHonest information about sex and relationships for young people.
Internet Watch FoundationReport sexual images or videos of anyone under 18. You can do it anonymously.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
RelateRelationship and sex therapy, including when porn is causing problems.
Stop It NowConfidential, anonymous help if you are worried about what you are looking at online.