Porn and real life. Scenario 13 of 15. A partner's viewing

What you found out

You borrow your partner Priyanka's tablet to look something up, and a porn site is open in a tab. You have been together for three years and have never talked about it.

You feel hurt, and you are not sure why. You close the tab.

What is the best call?

Go through the rest of her history to see how much she watches.

Not the best call

You came across one tab by accident. Searching her history is a choice, and it breaks her privacy. Whatever you find, the conversation will then be about you snooping instead of how you feel.

Tell her that evening that it has to stop, or the relationship is over.

Not the best call

You are entitled to your feelings, and to limits of your own. But an ultimatum, given while you are still hurt and before you have heard her side, usually produces secrecy instead of change. Talk first.

Tell her what you saw and how it made you feel, and ask how she sees it. Work out together what you are both comfortable with.

Good call

Couples differ on this, and there is no single right rule. What matters is that it is talked about and agreed, not assumed. Starting with how you feel, without accusing her, gives her room to be honest.

Say nothing and try to forget about it.

Could be better

It is not an emergency, and you do not have to raise it today. But you were hurt, and unspoken hurt tends to come out sideways. It is better raised calmly now than in the middle of some other argument.

The principle

Couples have different comfort levels with porn. The only way to know where the line is in your relationship is to talk about it, without snooping and without ultimatums.

Where to get help and advice

These UK services are free to use. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

ChildlineFor anyone under 19, about anything, including things they have seen online.
NSPCCAdvice for parents and carers on talking to children about porn and online safety.
Internet MattersStep-by-step guides to parental controls on phones, consoles and broadband.
BrookHonest information about sex and relationships for young people.
Internet Watch FoundationReport sexual images or videos of anyone under 18. You can do it anonymously.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
RelateRelationship and sex therapy, including when porn is causing problems.
Stop It NowConfidential, anonymous help if you are worried about what you are looking at online.