Porn and real life. Scenario 12 of 15. Trying things

Something you saw

You have seen something in porn that you would like to try with your partner, Marcus. It is rougher than anything the two of you have done. You have never talked about it.

Tonight things are heading towards sex.

What is the best call?

Just do it in the moment. It is in so many videos that it must be normal.

Not the best call

Being common on screen does not mean Marcus has agreed to it. He said yes to the kind of sex you usually have, not to this. Springing something rough on someone can frighten or hurt them, and it is not consent.

Bring it up another time, with your clothes on. Say what you saw and ask what he thinks. Take a no as a no.

Good call

Away from the moment, Marcus can think, ask questions and say no without spoiling anything. If he is interested, you can agree how to try it and how either of you stops it. If he is not, you have lost nothing.

Ask him in the middle of things, "Can I try something?"

Could be better

Asking is far better than not asking. But in the moment it is hard to say no, and he does not know what he is agreeing to. A vague yes under pressure is weak consent. Say what it is, ahead of time.

Ask, and when he says he would rather not, bring it up again every few weeks.

Not the best call

Asking once was right. Coming back to it again and again tells him his answer was only temporary. He may give in to end the asking, which is not the same as wanting to.

The principle

Seeing something in porn is not the same as your partner agreeing to it. Talk about new things before, not during. Be specific, and make no an easy answer.

Where to get help and advice

These UK services are free to use. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

ChildlineFor anyone under 19, about anything, including things they have seen online.
NSPCCAdvice for parents and carers on talking to children about porn and online safety.
Internet MattersStep-by-step guides to parental controls on phones, consoles and broadband.
BrookHonest information about sex and relationships for young people.
Internet Watch FoundationReport sexual images or videos of anyone under 18. You can do it anonymously.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
RelateRelationship and sex therapy, including when porn is causing problems.
Stop It NowConfidential, anonymous help if you are worried about what you are looking at online.