Porn and real life. Scenario 1 of 15. A child who has seen it

Shown at school

Your son Leo is eleven. He has been quiet all evening. At bedtime he tells you that an older boy showed him a video on his phone at school. From what Leo says, it was porn.

He looks worried and asks, "Am I in trouble?"

What is the best call?

Take his tablet away and ban screens for a month.

Not the best call

Leo did the right thing by telling you, and this punishes him for it. He did not go looking. What he learns is that telling a parent costs him his tablet, so next time he will keep it to himself.

Say, "No, you're not in trouble. Thank you for telling me." Then explain, simply, that it is made for adults and is not what real relationships are like.

Good call

Staying calm keeps the door open, and Leo is far from alone. In a survey for the Children's Commissioner for England, one in ten of the young people who had seen porn had first seen it by the age of nine. He needs to know it was not his fault, that it is acting, and that he can always ask you.

Tell him not to worry about it, and quietly turn on the parental controls.

Could be better

Filters are worth having, and reassurance is kind. But controls at home do nothing about another child's phone at school. What protects him there is knowing he can talk to you, which takes a conversation.

Say, "Boys will be boys," and leave it there.

Not the best call

It brushes off something that clearly upset him, and tells him it is normal and not worth discussing. Leo is left to make sense of what he saw on his own, or with the boy who showed him.

The principle

When a child tells you they have seen porn, how you react decides whether they tell you next time. Stay calm, thank them, explain that it is not real life, and let the school know if another child is showing it.

Where to get help and advice

These UK services are free to use. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

ChildlineFor anyone under 19, about anything, including things they have seen online.
NSPCCAdvice for parents and carers on talking to children about porn and online safety.
Internet MattersStep-by-step guides to parental controls on phones, consoles and broadband.
BrookHonest information about sex and relationships for young people.
Internet Watch FoundationReport sexual images or videos of anyone under 18. You can do it anonymously.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
RelateRelationship and sex therapy, including when porn is causing problems.
Stop It NowConfidential, anonymous help if you are worried about what you are looking at online.