Porn and real life. Scenario 2 of 15. A teenager who is curious

The search history

You are fixing the family laptop and see from the history that your fourteen-year-old daughter, Ruby, has been looking at porn sites over the last few weeks.

She does not know you have seen it.

What is the best call?

Confront her as soon as she gets home. "I know what you've been looking at. I'm disgusted."

Not the best call

Being curious about sex at fourteen is normal, for girls as much as boys. Shame does not stop the curiosity. It only teaches Ruby that sex is something she cannot talk to you about, when she most needs to.

Block the sites and say nothing.

Could be better

Filters reduce what she comes across, and that is worth doing. But she has a phone, and friends with phones. On its own a block leaves porn as her main source of information, with nobody to tell her what it gets wrong.

Pick a calm moment and tell her what you saw, without anger. Say that being curious is normal, and talk about what porn leaves out.

Good call

She hears that curiosity is not shameful and that porn is a performance: it usually skips consent, contraception, ordinary bodies and what people actually enjoy. Pointing her to a reliable source, such as Brook, gives her somewhere better to look.

Leave it. Everyone her age does it, and it would only embarrass you both.

Not the best call

It is common, but that does not make it harmless. Much of what young people come across is rough or degrading, and with no adult saying otherwise it starts to look like what sex is. One awkward talk is a small price.

The principle

You cannot keep a teenager from ever seeing porn. You can make sure it is not their only source. Curiosity is normal; what matters is that someone tells them what porn leaves out.

Where to get help and advice

These UK services are free to use. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

ChildlineFor anyone under 19, about anything, including things they have seen online.
NSPCCAdvice for parents and carers on talking to children about porn and online safety.
Internet MattersStep-by-step guides to parental controls on phones, consoles and broadband.
BrookHonest information about sex and relationships for young people.
Internet Watch FoundationReport sexual images or videos of anyone under 18. You can do it anonymously.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
RelateRelationship and sex therapy, including when porn is causing problems.
Stop It NowConfidential, anonymous help if you are worried about what you are looking at online.