Porn and real life. Scenario 7 of 15. Expectations

Not like the videos

You have been with your partner, Erin, for six months, and you care about each other. Lately you have caught yourself feeling disappointed after sex. It is slower and more awkward than what you watch, and neither of you looks or sounds like the people on screen.

You have started wondering whether something is wrong with the relationship.

What is the best call?

Decide the two of you are just not compatible.

Not the best call

You are comparing a real person with a product. Porn is cast, lit, edited and acted, with the awkward parts cut out. Nobody's sex life looks like that, including the performers'. The comparison is the problem, not Erin.

Ask Erin to act more like what you have seen.

Not the best call

This asks Erin to perform for you instead of enjoying herself, and tells her she is being measured against a screen. That is a reliable way to make someone self-conscious, which makes sex worse for you both.

Recognise where the expectation came from. Talk with Erin about what each of you actually enjoys, and consider a break from porn.

Good call

Naming the source takes away much of its power. Real sex is a conversation between two particular people, awkward bits included. Many people find that watching less makes the real thing feel like enough again.

Say nothing and hope the feeling passes.

Could be better

You are not putting anything on Erin, and feelings do shift. But if the comparison is being topped up several times a week, it is unlikely to fade on its own. It also leaves her wondering why you seem distant.

The principle

Porn is made to be watched, not copied. Real bodies, real pauses and real awkwardness are not signs that something is wrong. If the screen has become your measure, change the measure.

Where to get help and advice

These UK services are free to use. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

ChildlineFor anyone under 19, about anything, including things they have seen online.
NSPCCAdvice for parents and carers on talking to children about porn and online safety.
Internet MattersStep-by-step guides to parental controls on phones, consoles and broadband.
BrookHonest information about sex and relationships for young people.
Internet Watch FoundationReport sexual images or videos of anyone under 18. You can do it anonymously.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
RelateRelationship and sex therapy, including when porn is causing problems.
Stop It NowConfidential, anonymous help if you are worried about what you are looking at online.