Porn and real life. Scenario 4 of 15. Before they see it

The first phone

Your daughter Isla turns ten next week, and she is getting her first smartphone. Most of her friends already have one.

You know that sooner or later she will come across things online that are not meant for children. You are setting the phone up tonight.

What is the best call?

Hand it over as it comes. She is a sensible girl, and you trust her.

Not the best call

This is not about trust. Children mostly come across porn by accident or because another child shows them, not because they went looking. A phone with no controls and no conversation leaves her to deal with that alone.

Turn on every control you can find and say nothing about why.

Could be better

The controls are worth setting up, and they will block a lot. But no filter catches everything, and none works on a friend's phone. If she does see something, she will not know that she can tell you.

Set up the parental controls, and tell her plainly that if she ever sees something upsetting or confusing, she will not be in trouble for telling you.

Good call

Controls reduce what gets through. The conversation covers what they miss. Saying in advance that she will not be punished is the part that matters most, because fear of losing the phone is why children stay quiet.

Wait until she is thirteen, so the problem does not arise.

Could be better

Waiting is a reasonable choice for a family to make, and it does lower the risk. It does not remove it: her friends have phones. Whenever she gets one, the same two things are needed: controls and a conversation.

The principle

Prevention is two things together: controls that cut down what a child comes across, and a promise, made early, that telling you will never get them into trouble.

Where to get help and advice

These UK services are free to use. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

ChildlineFor anyone under 19, about anything, including things they have seen online.
NSPCCAdvice for parents and carers on talking to children about porn and online safety.
Internet MattersStep-by-step guides to parental controls on phones, consoles and broadband.
BrookHonest information about sex and relationships for young people.
Internet Watch FoundationReport sexual images or videos of anyone under 18. You can do it anonymously.
Revenge Porn HelplineFor adults whose intimate images have been shared, or threatened to be.
RelateRelationship and sex therapy, including when porn is causing problems.
Stop It NowConfidential, anonymous help if you are worried about what you are looking at online.