Consent. Scenario 4 of 34. Children and affection

Give your uncle a hug

A family visit is ending. Your uncle opens his arms to your six-year-old daughter, Maya, for a goodbye hug. He loves her and means it kindly.

Maya shakes her head and steps behind your legs. Your uncle looks a little hurt. The whole family is watching.

What is the best call?

Say, "Don't be rude, Maya. Go and give him a hug."

Not the best call

Maya learns that her no gives way when an adult is disappointed, and that being polite means letting people touch her. That is the opposite of what you want her to believe when she is older.

Say, "You can choose, Maya. A hug, a high five or a wave?"

Good call

Maya still says a proper goodbye, so nobody is ignored, and she picks how. She learns that her body is hers and that there is more than one way to be kind. Most relatives are happy with a high five.

Pick Maya up and hold her out to him so it is over quickly.

Not the best call

Now the hug happens to her instead of with her. Being quick does not change that she said no and was overruled by the person she went to for backup.

Say "She's just tired" and steer everyone towards the door.

Could be better

Maya is not made to hug, which matters most. But the excuse suggests her no needed a reason. Giving her a choice of goodbyes does the same job and teaches her something.

The principle

Children learn consent from how adults treat their no. Affection that is chosen means more than affection that is demanded, for the child and for the relative.

If this brings something up for you

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