Racism. Scenario 3 of 14. Getting it wrong

Something you posted

You share a joke on social media that plays on a stereotype about Chinese people. You thought it was harmless.

An hour later your friend Mei messages you: "I know you probably didn't mean anything by it, but that post really stung. I get that 'joke' all the time."

What is the best call?

Reply, "It was just a joke. You know I'm not racist."

Not the best call

Mei has not called you a racist. She has told you the post hurt. This answer makes the conversation about your reputation and tells her she was wrong to mention it. She may not bother next time, with you or anyone.

Reply, "I'm sorry if you were offended."

Not the best call

It sounds like an apology and is not one. "If you were offended" puts the problem in her reaction, not in what you posted. People hear the difference straight away.

Reply, "Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry. I didn't think about how it would land, and I've taken it down."

Good call

You have thanked her for a hard message, apologised for the thing itself and fixed it. No excuses, no asking her to reassure you. Not meaning harm and causing harm can both be true.

Delete the post quietly and do not reply to Mei.

Could be better

Taking it down is right. But Mei took a risk in telling you, and silence leaves her wondering whether you are annoyed with her. A short, real apology finishes the job.

The principle

When someone tells you that something you said was racist, they are trusting you with it. Listen, apologise for the thing itself, put it right, and do not ask them to make you feel better.

If this has happened to you, or you have seen it

These UK services are free to use. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999.

Stop Hate UKSupport for anyone affected by hate crime, and a way to report it without going to the police.
True VisionThe police website for reporting hate crime online.
Victim SupportFree, confidential support after a crime, whether or not you report it.
Citizens AdviceWhat counts as discrimination, and what you can do about it.
AcasFree advice on discrimination and your rights at work.
Kick It OutReport racism and other discrimination in football, at a ground or online.
SamaritansSomeone to talk to, day or night, about anything.